Early today morning, in a surprisingly bi-partisan vote, both houses of the U.S. Congress passed a major new law that imposes strict punishments on the nations almost 33% obese population if they did not take immediate and dramatic action to change their diet and exercise habits.
Titled the “Federal Overly Obese Law”, the new mandates are set to take effect immediately said a spokesperson from the Department of Health and Human Services.
The major highlights of the new law are:
- A new metric called Body-Bendability-Index (BBI) will now be used to determine how fit a person is. BBI is determined as follows: Ask the subject to bend down and touch his toes. If the hands go all the way, that is considered 100 (or baseline). Anything less is then graded based on how far down the hands actually get. Here are some celebrity BBIs for you ready reference: Basketball Star, Kobe Bryant: 100, Queen Latifah: 60, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie: -22 and Jackie Chan: 125 (entire palm on the floor got him a bonus). You would want to check your own BBI at home because the new law has strict penalties for scores that are 50 or lower!
- Sugar Checkers will be deployed to the homes of obese people: The new law mandates the hiring of millions of so-called Sugar-Checkers who will be sent to the homes of obese people to make sure that they do use more than one spoon of sugar in their coffee or tea (it being assumed, of course, that none of these people use artificial sweeteners which are even worse for health). It will be the responsibility of the home-owners to provide food, shelter and other necessities to the Sugar-Checkers who are mandated to live with them. When asked if the government could afford this obviously expensive program, DHHS representatives replied that this would be one more way to create jobs this country so badly needs.
- Pedal-TVs to be given free to households: The households that have the most obese people will have their regular television sets confiscated and will instead be provided with Pedal-TVs which operate by having the user pedal a stationary-bicycle that generates electricity to power the television. The idea is that couch-potatoes might not mind an extra lap or two if it means they can catch the latest episodes of American Idol or The Office.
Several other mandates are tucked deep inside the 4000-page bill but as is usually the case, all Americans (and indeed most Congressmen) will only know about them now that the bill has passed!
Many people have questioned the veracity of a law titled Federal Overly Obese Law or “F.O.O.L.” being passed on the 1st of April but believe me this news report is (almost entirely not) true!