Early today morning, in a surprisingly bi-partisan vote, both houses of the U.S. Congress passed a major new law that imposes strict punishments on the nations almost 33% obese population if they did not take immediate and dramatic action to change their diet and exercise habits.

Titled the “Federal Overly Obese Law”, the new mandates are set to take effect immediately said a spokesperson from the Department of Health and Human Services.

The major highlights of the new law are:

1. A new metric called Body-Bendability-Index (BBI) will now be used to determine how fit a person is. BBI is determined as follows:  Ask the subject to bend down and touch his toes. If the hands go all the way, that is considered 100 (or baseline). Anything less is then graded based on how far down the hands actually get. Here are some celebrity BBIs for you ready reference: Basketball Star, Kobe Bryant: 100, Queen Latifah: 60, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie:  -22  and Jackie Chan: 125 (entire palm on the floor got him a bonus). You would want to check your own BBI at home because the new law has strict penalties for scores that are 50 or lower!
2. Sugar Checkers will be deployed to the homes of obese people: The new law mandates the hiring of millions of so-called Sugar-Checkers who will be sent to the homes of obese people to make sure that they do use more than one spoon of sugar in their coffee or tea (it being assumed, of course, that none of these people use artificial sweeteners which are even worse for health). It will be the responsibility of the home-owners to provide food, shelter and other necessities to the Sugar-Checkers who are mandated to live with them. When asked if the government could afford this obviously expensive program, DHHS representatives replied that this would be one more way to create jobs this country so badly needs.
3. Pedal-TVs to be given free to households: The households that have the most obese people will have their regular television sets confiscated and will instead be provided with Pedal-TVs which operate by having the user pedal a stationary-bicycle that generates electricity to power the television. The idea is that couch-potatoes might not mind an extra lap or two if it means they can catch the latest episodes of American Idol or The Office.

Several other mandates are tucked deep inside the 4000-page bill but as is usually the case, all Americans (and indeed most Congressmen) will only know about them now that the bill has passed!

Many people have questioned the veracity of a law titled Federal Overly Obese Law or “F.O.O.L.” being passed on the 1st of April but believe me this news report is (almost entirely not) true!

Folks, it’s been a long time coming and I don’t think I can lie to myself (or to you) anymore. Diets, exercise, this paranoid – almost maniacal – eye on calories in, calories out… none of it is working for me (and accept it – it’s not working out so well for you either, is it?)

So, today I have decided that instead of using the tried and tested (and failed) physical approach to weight loss and fitness, it’s time to move on to the spiritual. As of today, I have rechristened my blog to “Fitness Tantra” with a catchy byline of “Make Tantra Your Way Of Life”. So, what is Tantra, you ask? Tantra is the use of divine powers that flows through the universe to attain one’s objectives. Think about it – there must be millions of people who at this very moment are all trying to lose weight. Fitness Tantra will be a site which we can all use to harness that energy toward the attainment of our common goal of losing weight!

Sri Yantra

To do this, we must have a common idea in mind and, of course, something to focus our energies on. Again Wikipedia comes to the rescue with a great chart that we can all stare at for hours. Please take a look at the image on the right. This is the “Sri Yantra” chart which is Sanskrit for “Look At The Center For A Long Time”. Focusing solely on this chart we can all channel our energies into achieving weight loss.

Also note the important point in the Wikipedia article: Yoga and Tantra :

“Yoga is suppression with awareness; Tantra is indulgence with awareness.”

As you can clearly see, the switch to Tantra means that you are now free to indulge in whatever foods you crave. The only important criterion is that you practice awareness. For example, if you are eating a glazed doughnut, say out loud “I am aware that I am eating a glazed doughnut.” That very act of saying this out loud and proclaiming your awareness will protect you from any ill effects of eating that doughnut.

So, to sum up the Fitness Tantra strategy:

1. Stare at the Sri Yantra poster.
2. State your awareness of what you are eating out loud.

These two simple steps will guarantee that you will continue to lose weight at an astonishing rate! Come, join me as we all embark on this amazing adventure and do keep me posted on how your weight loss is progressing!

Fitness Tantra is the new, easy way to lose weight and remember “Make Tantra Your Way Of Life”! Do share this amazing news with all your friends too!

[Update: Yes, folks; one look at the date of this post and you must have realized this was all in fun. Forget about staring at posters; just keep pounding iron and eating right! - FM]

Thumbing through the latest issue of Forbes, I flipped to the last page where I usually find quotes about different topics. The topic for the current issue? Thoughts on Diets. Here are a few choice quotes from the article:

• The toughest part of being on a diet is shutting up about it. –Gerald Nachman
• We never repent having eaten too little. –Thomas Jefferson
• In eating, a third of the stomach should be filled with food, a third with drink and the rest left empty. –Talmud

For more interesting, humourous and thoughtful quotes definitely check out the article.

I want to leave you with the final quote on that page, because this really made me think:

If any man defile the temple of God, him shall God destroy; for the temple of God is holy, which temple ye are. –I Corinthians 3:17

I typically shy away from any form of religious references in my posts and believe strongly that a person’s religious beliefs are his or her own. But even if you exclude the references to God in the quote above, what you are left with is this simple fact: Your body is your temple. You can get away from anyone and anything but wherever you are, this shell is what you live in. You breathe, eat, work and sleep in it.

We spend hours cleaning our homes, offices and desks but oftentimes put little thought into cleaning up this temple of ours and respecting it with the care it deserves. Our very ability to lead healthy, productive lives depends on the peak performance of this shell and its in our best interest to keep this machine well oiled and trim. Think about how often we hear of digestive issues, heart-related problems, high blood-sugar or high blood pressure affect a person’s ability to live and work efficiently. A healthful diet and fitness regimen can help us protect this shell and in turn make us more productive and efficient.

Live Well and Respect Your Temple!

Ok, we all know when people take things a little bit too far, but as far as diets go, this classic from the always satirical “The Onion” really takes the cake (or, in this case, desk!).

Presenting … The “No-Food” Diet:

The video is filled with gut-splitting “Did You Know”s including this little gem: “Chewing On Rocks Just Three Hours A Day Burns As Many Calories As Doing Twenty Sit-Ups”!

Diet and exercise, of course, but please … “Don’t Eat Your Desk”!